Tag: News

WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. “Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed,” […] The post Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money appeared first on The Onion.

Jack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here’s everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism Reason For Running: Bored Dream Job: MrBeast Role In Fraternity: […] The post Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg appeared first on The Onion.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant help from their parents while building the pyramids. “Though historians initially theorized that the civilization constructed the towering tombs […] The post New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids appeared first on The Onion.

NAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with,” said […] The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters  appeared first on The Onion.

Fundraising website GoFundMe reported a sharp uptick in the number of people using the platform to help cover the cost of basic necessities, including housing, food, and other day-to-day expenses. What do you think? The post Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities appeared first on The Onion.

CINCINNATI—Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. “I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown,” Grady said to […] The post Joe Flacco’s Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom appeared first on The Onion.

The post Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen Entrance appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed […] The post MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of Screen appeared first on The Onion.

CAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, […] The post Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups appeared first on The Onion.