Tag: News

The post Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump’s military parade. “At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway—I […] The post Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out appeared first on The Onion.

The post Pete Hegseth Vomits Out Of Tank Hatch appeared first on The Onion.

The post D.C. Air Traffic Controllers Given Day Off To Attend Military Parade appeared first on The Onion.

A new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that the mental health of mothers in the United States declined significantly from 2016 to 2023, with the percentage of mothers who said their mental health was poor increasing—particularly among those who were single parents. What do you think? The post Study Finds Steep Drop In American Mothers’ Mental Health appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. “While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator […] The post FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—After he was forcibly removed from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). “We express gratitude to law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public […] The post Democrats Back Resolution Thanking Federal Agents For Handcuffing Alex Padilla appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that she had significant reason to fear for her life during yesterday’s confrontation, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told reporters Friday that she believed Sen. Alex Padilla had an even deadlier opinion that failed to go off. “We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, […] The post Kristi Noem: Sen. Padilla Had Even Deadlier Opinion That Failed To Go Off  appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kristi Noem Appears With Bandage Over Ear Struck By Words appeared first on The Onion.

Saturday, June 14 marks the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, which will be celebrated with a festival and military parade in Washington, D.C. The Onion examines the facts and figures behind the event. 12: Repurposed Mastercard Pride floats 26%: Likelihood tanks cave in city street and plunge into center of Earth […] The post Trump’s Military Parade By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.