TheOnion.com

An 80-year-old man has told police he was wrong to drive down Rome’s famed Spanish Steps after firefighters had to recover his vehicle from the landmark in the early morning hours. What do you think? The post Elderly Man Gets Stuck After Driving Down Rome’s Spanish Steps appeared first on The Onion.

The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of  The Onion that was sent to Congress. If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they […] The post Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress appeared first on The Onion.

According to members of the team, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders received a 400% raise last season, with specific rates having not been released. What do you think? The post Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Get 400% Increase appeared first on The Onion.

Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, one of Hollywood’s most talked-about couples, have been together for over two years. The Onion presents a timeline of the stars’ relationship. January 2023: Timothée passes a note to Kylie’s publicist. April 2023: The couple becomes NDA official. August 2023: Kylie agrees to date Bob Dylan for a month and […] The post Timeline Of Timothée Chalamet And Kylie Jenner’s Relationship appeared first on The Onion.

ALTOONA, PA—Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life. “Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!” said a source […] The post Entitled Child Expects To Eat Lunch Every Day appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called “frivolous” and “unnecessary” provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants.  “Today we are sending to the president’s desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to […] The post Congress Passes Blank Bill For Trump To Write Whatever Law He Wants appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table […] The post Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be appeared first on The Onion.

Tina Webb, 25, died Saturday night, becoming the fifth assistant that Xander the Magnificent has burned through in as many weeks. The post Tina Webb appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual […] The post Sabrina Carpenter Undergoes State-Mandated Lobotomy To Cure Nymphomania appeared first on The Onion.

Van Horne married Blythewood Saturday, turning his bewitched household appliances back into humans. The post Fiona Blythewood and Dexter Van Horne appeared first on The Onion.