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After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think? The post Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a paper in the Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Friday that found the moon serves no purpose but to alert raccoons that it’s safe to come out. “While it’s […] The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove […] The post Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House appeared first on The Onion.

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for? The post America Celebrates Thanksgiving appeared first on The Onion.

The post Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago appeared first on The Onion.

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, […] The post Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives appeared first on The Onion.

Vince Offer, the once-prominent infomercial pitchman better known as the “ShamWow guy,” has filed to run as a Republican in Texas’s 31st congressional district, claiming he wants to “destroy wokeism” in Congress and “make America happy.” What do you think? The post ShamWow Guy Running For Congress appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, […] The post White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients’ bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. “At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, ‘Have you tried losing a few pounds?’ in the flesh is so different […] The post Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver appeared first on The Onion.