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WASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled out a loaded handgun and menacingly swept its […] The post Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At Nation appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. “Tonight, we’re proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment to going balls to the wall,” said foundation chairman John Sykes, who lauded the […] The post Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Guy Going Nuts In Front Row appeared first on The Onion.

The Trump administration is considering proposals that would help reverse the nation’s declining birth rate. Here are the White House’s ideas for encouraging women to have more babies. Monopoly game pieces on every container of Enfamil sold Increase American manufacturing of fertility statues Air-drop rose petals over residential areas Mandatory twins Remind Americans that every […] The post The White House’s Plan For Reversing The Declining Birth Rate  appeared first on The Onion.

LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. “Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesn’t necessarily mean […] The post Woman Reminds Self Not To Catastrophize After Spotting 4 Skeletal Horsemen On Horizon appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could […] The post FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang appeared first on The Onion.

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VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. “I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got […] The post Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. “We’ve set exact metrics for hairstyles that comply with my administration’s agenda, and any school that fails to respect our policies will […] The post Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don’t Comply With MAGA Standards appeared first on The Onion.