TheOnion.com

NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix. “My eyes, my eyes,” said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo […] The post Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix appeared first on The Onion.

The post Parrot Lying appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while […] The post Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider appeared first on The Onion.

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now. “After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, […] The post Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. travelers have faced mounting flight delays as the ongoing government shutdown causes staffing strain among air traffic controllers. What do you think? The post Government Shutdown Causes Flight Delays appeared first on The Onion.

California has enacted a law to eliminate certain ultra-processed foods from school meals over the next decade, becoming the first state to do so. What do you think? The post California To Phase Out Ultra-Processed Foods In School Lunches appeared first on The Onion.

Russell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project 2025, made waves recently by advocating for mass federal layoffs during the government shutdown. Here is everything you need to know about the right-wing policymaker. Role In Trump’s Cabinet: One that didn’t seem like a big deal […] The post Political Profile: Russell Vought appeared first on The Onion.

The post ‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health appeared first on The Onion.

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. “If we didn’t have decades of memories together, there’s no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life,” […] The post Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Calling the strategy an “effective solution” for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any unopened bills in the trash. “It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by invoices piling up—those things are the worst—so just get rid of them,” said Goldman Sachs advisor Adam Bridge, adding […] The post Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills appeared first on The Onion.