TheOnion.com

HIALEAH, FL—Despite ready access to an almost inexhaustible archive of exceptional movies, television shows, and print literature, local dad Brett Colston declared Friday that his favorite piece of media was a commercial from 2005. “I’m not sure if it was a Super Bowl ad originally, but you guys have to see it if I can […] The post Dad’s Favorite Piece Of Media Still Commercial From 2005 appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Amid shocking materials that include a photo in which the word ‘HELP’ has been spelled out with rocks, seaweed, and several stuffed animals, a newly released tranche of Epstein files revealed Friday that Deepak Chopra was still lost on the private island of Little St. James. “From what we can gather, Chopra has been deliriously wandering the now largely […] The post Epstein Files Reveal Deepak Chopra Still Lost On Little St. James appeared first on The Onion.

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking with an unflagging sense of hope despite the long, challenging road ahead of him, prosthetic hand recipient James Bratton told reporters Friday he was slowly learning to lick barbecue sauce off his fingers again. “I’m still getting the hang of moving my sauce-covered hand to my extended tongue, but once I struggled past […] The post Prosthetic Hand Recipient Slowly Relearning To Lick Barbecue Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Jelly Roll, the artist behind songs “Son Of A Sinner” and “Save Me,” has announced a 2026 tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Walmart bathroom Legal Name: Davidson County Inmate No. 248323 Genre: Country for people who don’t like music Easily Identifiable By: Tattoo-shaped birthmarks on face Common […] The post Artist Profile: Jelly Roll appeared first on The Onion.

The post No One At Combine Sure Who Told Prospects To Walk With Water Balloon Between Knees appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Doing everything within her power to ensure the big day would be absolutely perfect, pop superstar Taylor Swift paid off a bride who had booked the maid of honor she wanted, sources confirmed Friday. “I just really had my heart set on Lindsey,” said the multiplatinum recording artist who reportedly made a cash offer of […] The post Taylor Swift Pays Off Bride Who Booked Maid Of Honor She Wanted appeared first on The Onion.

The post DOJ Fails To Redact Thousands Of Secret Epstein Family Recipes | Onion News Network appeared first on The Onion.

A mother in North Carolina who went missing while Christmas shopping 24 years ago was found “alive and well,” though she claimed she did not want to be contacted by her family. What do you think? The post Mother Who Went Missing In 2001 Found Alive appeared first on The Onion.

TOKYO—In a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. “Okay, so the […] The post Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month,” said Patel, […] The post Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors appeared first on The Onion.