Tag: Humour

CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. “If they’re not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they’re definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle,” said Maynard, explaining that the most recent […] The post Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Revealing a highly calibrated system that he has fine-tuned over a lifetime of trial and error, local man Ken Stafford told reporters Wednesday that he has a favorite hot dog place for every level of sobriety. “Richie’s is completely disgusting garbage unless you’re absolutely hammered, then it’s, like, the best fucking spot in the world,” […] The post Man Has Favorite Hot Dog Place For Every Level Of Sobriety appeared first on The Onion.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding light on the animal’s compassionate nature and pop-culture savvy, a study published Wednesday in the journal Behavioral Ecology And Sociobiology found that elephants mourn the cancellation of their favorite TV shows. “The research we conducted over the course of many years in Botswana confirmed that elephants experience a period of deep sorrow when Hollywood […] The post New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows appeared first on The Onion.

Prince Andrew relinquished all of his royal titles, including Duke of York, amid ongoing public scrutiny over his ties to disgraced sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. What do you think? The post Prince Andrew Surrenders Royal Titles appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. “The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate,” said […] The post Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE—Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. “Oh, no, this is bad—this is really, really bad,” the nine-time NBA all-star said as he jumped up and down to glimpse his diminutive form in a mirror, wondering aloud in a […] The post Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2 appeared first on The Onion.

The Louvre Museum in Paris closed temporarily after thieves broke in and stole several priceless Napoleon-era jewels, the brazen seven-minute raid taking place just after the world’s most-visited museum opened. What do you think? The post Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid appeared first on The Onion.

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration’s mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE. STEP 1 Be born with something just…missing STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority […] The post How To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

MONTECITO, CA—Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. “When I learned about the strength of Canadian automotive and aerospace manufacturing, I knew I had to put it in a song,” Perry said in an Instagram post accompanying a preview of […] The post Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing appeared first on The Onion.

A new survey found that nearly one in five high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with AI. What do you think? The post Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship appeared first on The Onion.